13 drafts

a lot crossing my mind but i just dont know how to continue all these thoughts into a complete story...

today, i think of blogging while i am studying. hence, i go and view my friends blog. i realised nowadays there is so lil friend around me still using blog as a medium to release their emotions, no matter good or bad. from all the drafts that i have, there is always a sudden "kick" or sudden weird of feeling come across my mind which trigger me to write something, to share something of me. however, due to a lot a lot of condition, i am lazy, forget, out going which caused i dunno how to continue my text anymore. today, i try to open back each of my draft and try recall back my emotion, my feeling and my thought about that moment, however, i failed to do so. this draft case just recall of myself, how actually a person i am. i am a person in which i may did a mistake in past, but then now i got no chance to capture back all these mistake and redo it again. life got no take2, i cant do it, i really so sorry...

i wanted to apologize to one of my best friend( i am not sure my position in her heart but then i really treat her like sister) for a long time but then i just dunno how to voice, maybe my face not thick enough to take guts to apologize to her. she always asked herself, what friend mean to you, i not sure weather i am the friend that she mentioned but no matter what, i feeling guilty when she asked such question on her blog. because, i think i did owe her a lot a lot. a lot until it is uncountable. i hope u understand i really feel so guilty which i am so helpless to you when u really need my help. i am really really sorry. i never forget every moment that i spend with you, from the very beginning we meet up in safety campaign until the moment that i dumped u for my girlfriend.( if i nid to mention one by one, it is like nanny story, LOL)  i really feel so sorry. everyone conduct their life differently. some people might take more weights on friend while people like me take more weights on relationship. i know u seriously need friend as the moment u broke up, however, i would like to lend u a hand but i am just starting to build up my relationship. the condition is like, ur mama and ur girlfriend fall into the lake, which would u go and help them first? i selfishly pick to help my girlfriend instead of you, i know from that moment, u feel disappointed on me and maybe you are hate me? i really dunno larh T.T 1 more thing that i really would like to tell u is that, i have been questioned bout, when u already have a girlfriend, why should u have another bestie on opposite gender. hmmm, i also know that this questions come to me is just because my relationship is that such unstable. i know time could prove it wrong, i know time could let her understand that actually i really having just friendship with my bestie. yes, time proved it and actually i am able to meet up my bestie for 2 times this year! i remember from the day i paktoh until now, i only able to meet u up not more than 5 times, the first time is during maha maju yum cha with you when u come back during ur intern time, the second time is u finished ur study, u come back to take cert in uni ( we coincidently meet up and have a lunch)  if u able to look it in detail, i able to meet u up this year not because i only free this year, is that now only my relationship getting stable but then u are already graduate, walking a distance away from university.. i also know that it is too late now because it is really too late.... i know that things could go back to the origin, i know that our friendship is not like the previous we have but then my heart never change, inside the slot of friendship, there is still you inside :) i know i am late to do something as a friend, a ji mui of you, but at least i try to recover as much as i can. i thought that i could meet u up on ur convocation, to hang around with u at ipoh, but then due i got parttime, and u faced some problem, hence again we failed to meet up. i not giving up yet, i swear to myself, u r my besties, i try every single chance that i can, i must meet u up more frequently because i appreciate you as one of my friend...

maybe i just perasan, the person u mentioned is not me. hahahahhaa. mayb i am not that powerful weight in ur heart, but then i still feeling i owe u too a lot. i really sorry, really really sorry. 

以前是，现在是，未来都是， u r always my bestie no matter in past or future. and sincerely, i am sorry....

friends

Do really we need friend? Yes, as a human being we needed friends around. sometimes, you are too dependable on friend, even spend most of your time together, enjoy and play together. however, sometime when u too dependable, u hope MORE on them.

my girlfriend told me, friend is important, how if one day we both broke up, who are the one we depend on？ for sure is our friend. so, we try not get into two ppl world, in no matter how, we try merge with all, we try our best to be in the group of friends, we try our best.

however, things are not going on smooth, good and nice as well. when u are too dependable on your friend, u hope them care u a lot a lot. u thought all are together, so we will be going else together. in fact, NO! they just left you alone without noticing you when they simply thought u not at home. a deep hurt and sad for me. How could they dump me alone? do i that not need companion? friends, are you forgot about me ad? do i that hateful that u all dump me? it's ok. it just all my feeling, not your fault. i know i am just too dependable on you all, i should be more independence, i promised myself, NO NEXT TIME! no matter what shit else happened, i would independence by myself. i wont RELY on YOU ALL 100%. it bring only HURTS to me.

:(

when i see the date 4/10/2013 i though i had not updated my blog for months. Though/dream always not the real one, it always different with what really happening.

i always admit that i am a person who fall in love easily but i not the betrayer type. i am not a hero but i wont make a mistake that same as the past. it had been years and times whereby i dint fall in a serious love. i though i am matured enough to handle a love but in fact, i'm so sorry to you which i feel i not matured enough for you. i always bring tears to you, i am so sorry... i couldnt protect you in the way u like somemore i need your care and love...

love always a so wonderful thing in my life although i keep on, falling, falling and falling. i dunno why am i such a weak person. i fall easily, emo easily, emotion break down easily front of the one who i really care and love. i feel myself a weak one, not suit to be with you, i am such a loser.... i always bring negative message to you, always make you angry, always make you this and that, i am such a fool, sometime i know i really a wood.

argumentative topics always occured in us. you have different view point as well as me. we are both protecting ourself in our facts. it is funny when it come for initial argumentative topics. but since got once, things going on. it was like the argumentative topics another way how we interact and chat, talk as well. i will not get angry easily in an argumentative topics. however, i get myself a serious moody one, i feel i am so weak... why cant i just come down my emotion, stay cool and steady, settle it nicely? think it wisely? i am just so weak and stupid. ><

sometime there was something in my mind. shall this path of road continue or stop? if stop, thr will be dissapointing the girl, which the one i promise myself the most, i wont let you go. the promise is not just a promise, it is when i am really care you, i really love you, i cant without you.

i know i am not a real positive person indeed, i tend to hurt myself in violence way, i hurt myself, i just dunno how to express myself. it's like a boiled water cannot come out from the water, the full water pail cannot be leak out, i really want to understand more on you my dear :(

i tends to emo myself because i am those type ppl of which i wont bring forward my emotion, my expression,it may end today then end. You are the one who different from me, u hold ur feeling, u hide ur feeling, it permeanently inside ur heart. I better put it on my face but hide it inside my heart is because i know you are different. Dear, i doesnt mean to hurt you, i doesnt mean i dont wan to tell u, i hope you know that....

overloaded pail...

when a pail was loaded full with water, so what shall you do? comman sense we will pour the water to another empty pail. Same for me, when i was full loaded with bad emotion, i will unload the bad emotion, sad tone into another "pail", which was my bloggie. I am not a good writer, with a lot of type error and manglish, LOLZ.

when you feel that, you are the one who own something more than friendship but still a bit lesser than relationship, that particular people is defined as "幸福的人". if that GOD let me to choose, i rather be a just normal human being, best friend or even we named as so called "brother/sister" really that good? friends around you might envy or jealous bout this kind of friendship, for me, not really. the one who in the situation only will know what kind of feeling of being such status of friend.

you asked, you said " the feeling towards you is good friend, is best friend, love do not considered". So, a question that i would like to ask you in return, do you know that, human was made of blood and meat, as what movies said, human with 七情六欲，三魂七魄，难道日久就不会生情咩？ if you asked the word of weather we are POSSIBLE? i would answer, if i doesnt believe in myself,who are the one who going to give me confidence to believe that we are possible?

i not an introvoke, so i tend not to be silent for every single moment of my life. when i tend to be silent, either i am listening to someone, or else that i fall in to deep, bad emotion. you told me that, something that is yours then it will be yours , when something not yours, then that thing is not yours. if the people purposely to do something to avoid you, no matter it is just a simple stuff, it also could be the thing to avoid you. as for you, as you do not have the feeling on me, so how hard i do, it come with no mean. when you have the feeling on him, no matter how you set urself single this moment, there will be something in future. it is not about rules and regulation, limit and limitation, it just because who i am, who he is. smile hardly is something that i did my best so that it wont look too bad of my voice, too serious of my bad emotion. I know i am not a good actor but i really could not cheat myself. those kind of jealousy is something that you never realise, always that i said i am jealous of this and that, you just take it easy, you never know how serious i am. i know i am joker but i never take love as a joke, indeed.

i know, friendship forever not a nice words that you used on him, cause you hope something more, not now but maybe future. As for me, u did keep repeating this kind of words with me, it just because who i am, Lee Wai Hong. I know, as an individual, we should appreciate every single moment of our life, every single person who besides us, friends and family. I saying all these, i know you are pressured and tension, so sorry, i dint mean to force you or what, i just simply release my emotion, my truth feeling inside my heart. Still, i appreciate the time being with you, the willingness of you to accompany the bored me with a call in the late night although you are sleepy, so thankful and that was really touch. Friends? Let it be as long as you happy. :)

study? NO!

fate really decided everything. Last night i adjusted the setting hence i could see every update of yours. I'm not sure weather is "lucky" or what, i saw ur status, which later been delete. thanks for letting me know all that, sorry for disturbing you, so so sorry.... again, i am just a foolish, who cry for no one. Damn, sometime i think is it being a gay is better, i feel my foolish keep repeating in my life, keep on and keep on repeating, why ha?

christmas again, i still remeber last christmas, a tall girl, a short guy, a promise to go back hometown celebrate her birthday, which was a good friend( what the guy thought). This year, still, a tall girl, a short guy, a promise to visit her during her free time..... Midnight long talk, a short guy, a tall girl, too loud and annoyed the parents of the tall girl, this year, a short guy and a tall girl, an excited conversation, made her sister was annoyed by the noice in late night. last christmas, she promised will visited to kampar, to see so call me, this year, she promised, one day later maybe when she get time to w.malaysia, she will come over to visit kampar, me again. Two different incident, two different people but bring the same effect, same feel to me. I think i shall seek and look for LORD or GOD, do last decade of my life did something that are very wrong, why things keep just repeating the same on me, again and again, again and again. Or just i am the one who escaped from fact, i never face my problem properly, i should not handle it in the same way, i know i should not blame anyone but myself, i should learn from mistake, not run from mistake. Lee Wai Hong, u can do it!

我相信这个世界上异性间有纯友谊，可是不是你和我。

不要知道的太多，會難過

today i saw my friend shared this post, so i oso share share, LOL afterwards i delete it =.= lolz. actually i am not sure what actually this related to me but just so true, something the one who are stupid is the one who blessed and own happiness. my curiousity never ends, this make me know more, more and more which is at last, the result is so cruel. Haha.

离别后的1200

1200这个数字是我们离开了的时间，不长不短足够让我对你的思念那么的不浅，不浅  =.= 不懂从什么时候开始，每当看到戏剧里哭戏的画面我眼睛不禁湿了 =.= 都是你还的啦，我以前都没有酱的啦 =.=

一个奇妙的相遇，一切感谢“缘分”。如果没有缘分，那我们就不会相见而相熟。我还记得他把你介绍的时候，让我心情真的很紧张。他说，待会儿有一个美女会跟我们一起吃饭。听见后我真的有点心情不懂如何形容。见到了，的确是美，可是太惊讶了，高 = =’

其实有一个秘密没有告诉你，其实我打从第一次吃饭就记得你的名字了啦，老套的搭讪发乃没有被你发现，哈哈哈，笨笨的你。说起笨笨的你，就是因为这样，你吸引了我。

不懂该说巧合还是命中注定，既然因为一次raya下kl制造了让我们相熟的机会。在车上的一幕幕乃在我的脑海里，就好像曲婉婷唱的，“你存在，我深深的脑海里”。 我们大声的哗啦哗啦，好像都不觉得旁边有人，感觉上车上只有我们，旁边都是可是ignore de,lollll 你是个很随和的朋友，既然在一个不是很熟的情况下跟我独自去逛街，其实我很想说，我好幸福哦，我好像不懂5个手指头就能数完单独跟女生逛街的次数。那时候总有一个让我不解的问题， 怎么你把家事收的这么密，莫非你真的很在意，而且很复杂？应该是那样

美好的时光总是那么的快，那么的快过，认识你一个学期，是时候放假回家了。既然，这个放假是你思考到底未来这条路该怎么走。不出预料，你最后决定了要走，这个答案让我很沉重及不舍。

回来了，不懂是否我对你有些影响力，你尝试了第一个礼拜的课才做你的最后决定。这段时间看得出你的心情十多么的反复，其实我除了在旁做一些有的没的让你暂时忘记那些复杂的决定。我懂，其实对你来说其实没有什么很大的作用。过了没多久后你却又再从新做过决定，走。

感觉怎样，身边的朋友其实都问我到底感觉怎样。打算欺骗自己吗？其实对我来说，珍惜重于一切。这一分钟的朋友并不能保证下一秒的朋友，谁又能预测到未来？谁又能敢说永远啊？所以珍惜成为了我跟你能走到现在的原因。

夜晚很可怕，总让我想起你。。。。

待续。

there always a question inside my mind, shall i took more photos with you? photos are the thing which can captured memory, captured the memory between you and i. unfortunate, i always forgot to take photo with you laaa. Something that i really not understand with girl, take photo must with "top form" LOL again break the chancessssss that i could take photo with you every place that we visit to.

i could nt really adapt to the changes without you, especially where there is no any medium for me to listen to your voice, a medium that can let me feel actually we are near. Even after your leave, i cried for several times(for sure when nobody la =.=) i not sure why this happened to me, why ha? i really duno = ='

shit, nothing much come into my mind today, so i just stopped here. a song that i liked most and would like to share with you, the lyrics said that, 我能想到最浪漫的事，就是和你一起慢慢变老，this sentences in which i hope so, mayb it is too early for me to think the future, to think our golden age time but nothing more inside my mind even my heart, it's all about you :) being either a friend or better than a friend, is my pleasure to know you, my pleasure to be part of your life :)

xmas? xmas? how where and when? these words keep come into my brain? where shall i go? when shall i go? how i go? i hope that i could have the pleasure to celebrate this romantic eve with you for the first year that we know each other :) 

北马之旅

Just 1 month time never touch my blog then the layout page changed a lot. OMG =.= i seriously could not get use to it. Always the time before i wanna back home there sure a lot of stuff that flow over my brain, think thought a lot. weather it is really good or bad i not really know. 

a lot of stuffs happened recently haix but the first thing that i would like to share is that the group trip that visited to langkawi, alor setar and also penang. it was a joyful, tired, interesting, happy trip. Although we always got some lil arguement or even frustration in between but still we got "ahli bomba" to ends up the fire. lol. thanks god u 2 with us.

the first place we went were the ipoh. we bought the train ticket 2 weeks in advance from ipoh to alor setar. seriously the chair of the train is not taste good, even me can barely sleep only due the next guy sit beside me leave in a sudden, wonder were that i accidentally gave him a punch LOL

the things go smooth as what i planned, we reach around noon, we had our lunch MAC D then we go for a rest then black sand beach. we planned to go an outing to island, it was an unexpected snokerling for me, because i really damn fear of water, but due raining and big ocean wave, i force to be brave >.< perasan LOL

the third day we planned to go for the cable car, since all like shopholicks, we changed our plan from cable car to shopping. Poor us, each of us at least spent 50~150 ringgit for chocolate ONLY 

LOL 

we spent a great night at alor setar, at least for me it is wonderful. OMG, i really eat till super duper extremely full, main dish+side dish, the side dish is very IMBA IMBA IMBA BIGGG ARHHHHH eat till i almost cant breath. THANKS Han Sin parents for the dinner, really fulllllllll

for me, the penang trip was a point of dissapointment for me. Stupid rain never stop, oh shit! =.= 8 wall draws, we only possible to visit 2 only, too bad. dint get to eat the cendol, dint get to eat char kuey teow, dint get to the temple, omg, rain~ this taught me a lesson in which next time must pray hard not rain and not to choose rainy reason, it spoiled the plan deeply. T.T i promise i will go back to penang for a visit as soon as i visited to kelantan, pahang, johor and also terengganu. that is my wish in which explore to every state of W.malaysia. Wuakaka.

last morning we spent at alor setar was the muzium padi and also muzium sains. Had a lot of fun thr, hahahaha, really funny, btw this age go in, still a lot of thing that keep unknown, haixx, knowledge never had an end

i was planning to post a lot alot of photo to my blog but next time sin la, 2.18am, time to sleep, recharge go back hometown.... although i swear i am not a child which stick to home, but a long journey must come to a break so that can travel further long jurney 休息为了走更长的路 this is what i direct translate from ><

*ps i so proud to be 1st blogger to update among my 7 friends which going this trip* ^^V

Happiness and lifes

I tend to have such a question in my brain, again and again asking myself, how i define the word happy? how consider as i felt happy and how will just consider emo? what consider as simple life? how i define my life as a simple life? how i live a simple life. these questions, again and again appeared inside my brain, repeating again and again.

It is so funny that i update my blog right at the library. that day, right after marketing fiesta, it was tuesday, i rmb it well, i found my happy inside my photo. Suprisingly, i also dont realised i was that happy. It might due to the environment i joined, so the happy was simply reflects from them. hanging out with yb frens, what they called "family day(wednesday)" was an happy day. previously, i thought that was just a joke in which they will very happy during their family day. However, once i joined them, wow, I'm wrong. They did very happy. in chinese, 他们那简单的笑感染了我，我也笑了。it is just too hard to described how happy they were, it just.. their happiness and smile are that simple, that pure. that happy. I really proud to join them although it is just once i join them. so sorry my frens, i said this with no harm, i doesnt mean that i'm not happy currently with you all, just that coincident which made me feel different in them :)